Yesterday, while in Bakersfield, I met up with the boys’ “Dad.” I use the term loosely because in the two months he’s actually had contact with the boys, he hasn’t done much, or rather, anything to prove that he’s a Dad or Father.
We recently had a major disagreement that, once again, changed our view of each other. Or more specifically for me, confirmed that the original view he gave me of him, last summer while I was pregnant, was entirely accurate. It’s not a good one, and you can read about that in my post titled Do The Boys Have A Father?
During our conversation he says to me that in the last few weeks he has read a lot of emails from me that he previously did not read. Though, I’m not sure how he didn’t read them and managed to accurately respond to them. Anyway, he read them. And, he visited my blog and read some of the posts I have about him here. But, he also makes that statement that there are no follow up posts on my blog about how I’m feeling about him now.
I asked him, “so, you want me to write about you?” He says, “I don’t care, I’m never reading your blog again.”
Somehow, I doubt that. And truth be told, I don’t really care what the answer is. But a follow up post was an interesting idea. So, here it is.
What’s happened in two months?
Every couple of weeks I make the one hour, 20 minute trip from my home to Bakersfield. It’s normal for me to have the boys with me during these trips, and Zadey is often in school. Typically, my drive over has to do with doctor’s appointments for a worker’s comp injury. I attend my doctor’s appointments and make plans with him so he can visit the boys.
In two months, he has seen them four times. My last few visits there I have not told him about, and we did not see him. Yesterday, though I saw him, the boys were not with me and instead stayed home with Joanne.
Our visits are interesting. His son, his oldest child, does not know he has brothers. I won’t even start on my feelings about that, just yet. So, because of this situation, and the fact that his son’s mother is dictating when this boy will find out he has brothers, our visits are done in hiding! That means I have to show up to his house while his kid is still in school. And, when his Mom goes to pick up his son from school, we have to leave the house.
A few times, while I enjoyed the conversation he and I were having, it became quite irritating for me (and the boys) that they had spent entirely too long in their car seats because we had no place to be. We literally roamed around town.
This situation is difficult, to say the least. And I really despise the idea that the comfort of myself and my sons is being dictated by his ex!
Somehow, we moved past that, and had a few nice visits.
I am, by no means, a perfect parent. I won’t claim to be one however, I won’t claim that anyone else is, either! Parenting is hard work, and stressful when you look at the big picture of raising children to be successful adults and productive member’s of society. There are so many factors to consider.
I knew he and I had different ideas about parenting. I knew that we would have to find a middle ground on some scenarios. I knew I would have to consider all of this.
But then, during one of our visits, he starts talking about the boys’ 16th birthday…
[quote]All the men in the family get together, and get the boys a hotel room… and a HOOKER![/quote]
And I’m thinking, yeah, this is a great idea! Teach them quick that sex is meaningless. Okay, that’s bad… but, it gets worse… as he’s looking down at my sons he says…
[quote]We’ll make a man out of you and prove you’re not gay![/quote]
Um, no. No for 1,000 reasons. No because this is just stupid. No because who gives a rats if their gay. No because you’re not going to teach my sons that sex is meaningless. No because I’d like them to be virgins longer than 16 years. No because they don’t need to have their “first time” with a HOOKER! No because they don’t need to have an audience for their first time. No because THIS IS STUPID! NO. NO. NO.
And, it doesn’t get much better. Here’s a quote from an email he sent me:
[quote]They are two White males: the most valuable and intellectually powerful creatures on earth. Their potential is limitless. Painters like Michelangelo. Polymaths like Da Vinci. Scientists like Copernicus, Galileo and Newton. Idealists like Jefferson, Franklin and Hitler. Engineers like Bell, Edison, Ford and so many others. Who knows. They can be any of those things provided they have the same things all those men had. 1) Pride in their race, culture and heritage. 2) Heterosexual parental upbringing with a stern male figure to guide them and a loving mother to set the female example.[/quote]
I overlooked his “white pride” race card for a long time. But, to look at this as though because my sons are white, they’re the “most valuable and intellectually powerful creatures?” And, here’s the thing, he’s saying this because he believes that other races are not. HE BELIEVES THAT!
My sons are no better than anyone else because of the color of their skin. Period.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. He also detailed me yesterday how, because his 20 month old daughter would not listen and is a “rebel”, the best form of discipline was to take a paddle to the back of her legs. When he asked me how I would feel about that I responded “I would kill you, if you did that to my sons.” He strugged.
Listening to this, my heart and brain scream together…
SAVE YOUR SONS! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
Co-Parenting & Support
Joanne and I have lived together since the boys were born. She was their at their birth, she cares for them when I’m working (like, right now, while I write this post). She is our bread winner, and pays for everything. This includes the boys’ needs: diapers, formula, food, clothes. And, of course, our living costs. It has been Joanne, NOT him to support these boys.
I have not received, nor been offered a single penny. And you know what, that was very hard to do the night I watched him spend $32 on a cans of chewing tobacco; the whole time I was thinking “that’d buy me 2 weeks worth of diapers.”
We do not co-parent, because he cannot have them (not that I’d want him to), he is not welcome at my home (because this is Joanne’s home, too), and he doesn’t have anything to offer them. Nothing. Zero.
Every thing a Dad could do, even without finances, he has NOT done. It really is that simple. He has done nothing.
So, Back to Our Talk
So, going back to our conversation yesterday, I was sitting there yet again listening to things I truly believe are 1) crap, 2) lies, and/or 3) fantasy/hopefulness/daydreams.
Basically, we all have the best laid plans. But, while I intend to accomplish dreams and goals that I have already started working towards, and are within sight, his goal is to produce a film. It’s not unobtainable. But, it’s holding up his ENTIRE LIFE. He is a job-less man, seeking a dream, not supporting himself OR his four children. Something has got to give, but it won’t for him.
And, if all that’s not enough, when discussing our parenting ideas, I just was dumbfounded at things like him appreciating this his 8 year old son tells his hockey couch to f*** off. Best of all, his son’s behavior, such as this, proves that he’s a great father.
The thing is, we have no middle ground. I do not trust him, and more importantly, I do not believe that my children are safe with him.
Period. Nothing more to say.
I got up, and walked away. I just could not listen to crap anymore. I could not listen to lies anymore. And, I could not listen to hopes and dreams when not dealing with reality.
I hope he’s everything he wants to be in life. I just hope he knows that when I got up and walked away, I was metiforically taking MY sons with me.