Well, Goodbye Dad


Yesterday, while in Bakersfield, I met up with the boys’ “Dad.” I use the term loosely because in the two months he’s actually had contact with the boys, he hasn’t done much, or rather, anything to prove that he’s a Dad or Father.

We recently had a major disagreement that, once again, changed our view of each other. Or more specifically for me, confirmed that the original view he gave me of him, last summer while I was pregnant, was entirely accurate. It’s not a good one, and you can read about that in my post titled Do The Boys Have A Father?

During our conversation he says to me that in the last few weeks he has read a lot of emails from me that he previously did not read. Though, I’m not sure how he didn’t read them and managed to accurately respond to them. Anyway, he read them. And, he visited my blog and read some of the posts I have about him here. But, he also makes that statement that there are no follow up posts on my blog about how I’m feeling about him now.

I asked him, “so, you want me to write about you?” He says, “I don’t care, I’m never reading your blog again.”

Somehow, I doubt that. And truth be told, I don’t really care what the answer is. But a follow up post was an interesting idea. So, here it is.

What’s happened in two months?

Every couple of weeks I make the one hour, 20 minute trip from my home to Bakersfield. It’s normal for me to have the boys with me during these trips, and Zadey is often in school. Typically, my drive over has to do with doctor’s appointments for a worker’s comp injury. I attend my doctor’s appointments and make plans with him so he can visit the boys.

In two months, he has seen them four times. My last few visits there I have not told him about, and we did not see him. Yesterday, though I saw him, the boys were not with me and instead stayed home with Joanne.


Oliver, in his car seat, during one of our visits.

Our visits are interesting. His son, his oldest child, does not know he has brothers. I won’t even start on my feelings about that, just yet. So, because of this situation, and the fact that his son’s mother is dictating when this boy will find out he has brothers, our visits are done in hiding! That means I have to show up to his house while his kid is still in school. And, when his Mom goes to pick up his son from school, we have to leave the house.

A few times, while I enjoyed the conversation he and I were having, it became quite irritating for me (and the boys) that they had spent entirely too long in their car seats because we had no place to be. We literally roamed around town.

This situation is difficult, to say the least. And I really despise the idea that the comfort of myself and my sons is being dictated by his ex!

Somehow, we moved past that, and had a few nice visits.

Parenting Philosphies

I am, by no means, a perfect parent. I won’t claim to be one however, I won’t claim that anyone else is, either! Parenting is hard work, and stressful when you look at the big picture of raising children to be successful adults and productive member’s of society. There are so many factors to consider.

I knew he and I had different ideas about parenting. I knew that we would have to find a middle ground on some scenarios. I knew I would have to consider all of this.

But then, during one of our visits, he starts talking about the boys’ 16th birthday…

[quote]All the men in the family get together, and get the boys a hotel room… and a HOOKER![/quote]

And I’m thinking, yeah, this is a great idea! Teach them quick that sex is meaningless. Okay, that’s bad… but, it gets worse… as he’s looking down at my sons he says…

[quote]We’ll make a man out of you and prove you’re not gay![/quote]

Um, no. No for 1,000 reasons. No because this is just stupid. No because who gives a rats if their gay. No because you’re not going to teach my sons that sex is meaningless. No because I’d like them to be virgins longer than 16 years. No because they don’t need to have their “first time” with a HOOKER! No because they don’t need to have an audience for their first time. No because THIS IS STUPID! NO. NO. NO.

And, it doesn’t get much better. Here’s a quote from an email he sent me:

[quote]They are two White males: the most valuable and intellectually powerful creatures on earth. Their potential is limitless. Painters like Michelangelo. Polymaths like Da Vinci. Scientists like Copernicus, Galileo and Newton. Idealists like Jefferson, Franklin and Hitler. Engineers like Bell, Edison, Ford and so many others. Who knows. They can be any of those things provided they have the same things all those men had. 1) Pride in their race, culture and heritage. 2) Heterosexual parental upbringing with a stern male figure to guide them and a loving mother to set the female example.[/quote]


Portrait of Galileo

I overlooked his “white pride” race card for a long time. But, to look at this as though because my sons are white, they’re the “most valuable and intellectually powerful creatures?” And, here’s the thing, he’s saying this because he believes that other races are not. HE BELIEVES THAT!

My sons are no better than anyone else because of the color of their skin. Period.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. He also detailed me yesterday how, because his 20 month old daughter would not listen and is a “rebel”, the best form of discipline was to take a paddle to the back of her legs. When he asked me how I would feel about that I responded “I would kill you, if you did that to my sons.” He strugged.

Listening to this, my heart and brain scream together…


Co-Parenting & Support

Joanne and I have lived together since the boys were born. She was their at their birth, she cares for them when I’m working (like, right now, while I write this post). She is our bread winner, and pays for everything. This includes the boys’ needs: diapers, formula, food, clothes. And, of course, our living costs. It has been Joanne, NOT him to support these boys.

I have not received, nor been offered a single penny. And you know what, that was very hard to do the night I watched him spend $32 on a cans of chewing tobacco; the whole time I was thinking “that’d buy me 2 weeks worth of diapers.”

We do not co-parent, because he cannot have them (not that I’d want him to), he is not welcome at my home (because this is Joanne’s home, too), and he doesn’t have anything to offer them. Nothing. Zero.

Every thing a Dad could do, even without finances, he has NOT done. It really is that simple. He has done nothing.

So, Back to Our Talk

So, going back to our conversation yesterday, I was sitting there yet again listening to things I truly believe are 1) crap, 2) lies, and/or 3) fantasy/hopefulness/daydreams.

Basically, we all have the best laid plans. But, while I intend to accomplish dreams and goals that I have already started working towards, and are within sight, his goal is to produce a film. It’s not unobtainable. But, it’s holding up his ENTIRE LIFE. He is a job-less man, seeking a dream, not supporting himself OR his four children. Something has got to give, but it won’t for him.

And, if all that’s not enough, when discussing our parenting ideas, I just was dumbfounded at things like him appreciating this his 8 year old son tells his hockey couch to f*** off. Best of all, his son’s behavior, such as this, proves that he’s a great father.

I disagree.

The thing is, we have no middle ground. I do not trust him, and more importantly, I do not believe that my children are safe with him.

Period. Nothing more to say.

I got up, and walked away. I just could not listen to crap anymore. I could not listen to lies anymore. And, I could not listen to hopes and dreams when not dealing with reality.

I hope he’s everything he wants to be in life. I just hope he knows that when I got up and walked away, I was metiforically taking MY sons with me.


  1. Tanya says

    Thought my heart goes out to you in this difficult situation, it doesn’t appear to me like he’s even trying to be a part of his boys lives, and even if he did, would not be a good role-model, which makes sense why you would not even want him around the boys to begin with.

    It sounds like this “Father” has his own growing up to do… Just because someone has the ability to make babies, does not make them a Man or a Father.

    Until he makes his own efforts to be a part of his children’s lives, and not just when YOU go to Bakersfield, I wouldn’t make the effort either. I know you want to do it for your boys, but when it comes down to it, your boys have ALL the family they really need. And though it may be sad at the moment that they don’t get to know their other siblings, right at this moment, it’s not as important until they grow older and can somewhat understand the situation.

    I would assume it could become awkward if they get to know their siblings, but their father doesn’t much care to be a part of their life — and honestly, when it comes down to it, through no fault of their own (the other children/siblings), but the fault of HIS own parenting, do you really want YOUR kids to be hanging around with those siblings and potentially hear about all the bad things about their dad?

    Ultimately, all the decisions are up to you and Joanne, and I know you will make the best decision for THEM and your family, and not the people who don’t wish to make a true effort to be a real part of their lives.

    I hope in time, that things move more positively in the future and that he changes his mind and does grow up so that they can have a healthy relationship with him and their siblings. Good wishes to you and your family!

  2. says

    (HUGS) what twisted morals and ideas he has on raising and guiding children. I am glad you took YOUR sons and walked out. They deserve love and respect, and deserve to NOT have him in their lives. I am praying for you and your sons, and know good things will come your way.

  3. Ellsie says

    I feel sorry for you and that racist asshole who impregnated you. I hope your children do NOT grow up to be like him. You and I are mutually connected through one of my dearest friends (or we WERE mutually connected until recently). Let me tell you, the opinions of this man from our mutual link is not high, and after the things I was told about the boys’ father, I was dumbfounded that he was so manipulative to keep you around.

    Good thing you ran for your life! In essence you probably saved yourself and your children from a great deal of ABUSE (emotional and physical)… and from what I heard I am REALLY surprised you even contacted him.

    Good luck!

    • says

      Ellsie, there is no one in this situation to “feel sorry” for. He made his choices, as did I. And, if you know anything about me, the way you claim to (though I only suspect I know who are, but I’m not for sure) you would know that my sons are very, very wanted.

      My children won’t grow up to be like him, because I’m not. And he has made the choice to not involve himself in their lives for them to know or learn his level of hate. And, I do agree with the statement that I have saved my children from abuse. Though, that wasn’t exactly something I would choose to make public on my blog. Had I wanted that to come out, I would have said it.

      As far as contacting him, you obviously do not have a grasp on what it is like to anticipate raising children with someone who up and abandons you. There are issues that needed to dealt with, and closure. I have that now.

  4. Bobbie says

    I’m sorry this is even something you have to deal with. I do have to say that each time I think you have given him a fair chance. It was him to declined.. So you’ve done what you could. Your sons will appreciate the life you give them and will love you for that. They have enough people that love them that they do not need someone who wants to visit them, see them, care for them, etc when it’s convenient for him.

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