The State of Joanne and I


On Sunday I felt a serious need to get out of the house. I had to go somewhere, and my mood was becoming less than pleasurable the longer I sat at home, doing nothing.

Joanne and I had decided at the end of last week that we’d take a quick day trip to Chicago this weekend. But, when she lost our debit card, we decided to skip that.

So, Sunday, I couldn’t take it. And as we were deciding what we’d do or where we’d go, a nice drive just sounded way too good; and it was me that decided we have cash, screw it! We loaded the kids in the car and headed to Chicago, for pizza.

Now, I know we need to see the entire city. I know we need to walk the Magnificent Mile, visit Navy Pier, and wade at the beaches of Lake Michigan. I know that needs to be done. But, I wanted pizza and I knew it would literally be a dream come true for Joanne to see Wrigley Field.

In record time, the kids we loaded and we were off.

We went to Gino’s East for pizza, and then drove over to Wrigley Field. There we walked around the entire thing. And, as we were doing so, I posted this picture to my personal Facebook wall.


With it, I made the following comment:

This is my girl’s dream come true. Seriously.

Now, to most people, this seems like a simple comment. Joanne was beside herself the moment she saw this big sign. It was like she couldn’t get the kids out of the car and in the stroller fast enough. And though the only the thing that could have made this adventure better is actually seeing a game, it was her moment.

Yesterday I made a phone call to my long time friend, and business partner, Mindy. She and I caught up on the usual business to discuss and went in to talking personal stuff. And she asked me, so what’s going on with Joanne and I; because after she saw me post the above picture, and comment, using the words my girl I caught her attention.

And as some of you know, the last time I discussed Joanne and I on the blog, it was about our breakup. Since then, Joanne and I has not really been something that I’ve discussed. Not just her on the blog, either. Not with family, friends, etc. It’s not really a conversation I’ve had. Though, because we did move together, there have been a lot of assumptions made.

So, after Mindy’s comment, I realized… I think I’m in a good place to discuss this, now.

Where do Joanne and I Stand?

The truth of the matter is, we have not had a conversation where we clearly define “we are back together.” However, the conversations often go something like this:


Joanne & I at Monument Circle in Indianapolis.

“What’s our problem, why can’t we just get ourselves together?”

“I don’t know, what do you think our problem is?

“I’m not sure. Think we can fix it?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Yeah, I think so, too.”

End of conversation.

And, it’s not really that neither one of us are willing to talk about any problems we’ve had. It really is the opposite. But, I think we have reached the point where neither of us knows what to say about it.

What has happened between us, has happened. We made the conscious decision to just forgive, and go on. We don’t have to rehash and no one wants to, anyway.

Recently I have begun to think that it may really be true… somethings just have to fall apart before they can fall together. And Joanne and I have been good, for a very long time. More than anything, the bulk of our problems have been in the last two years, and completely started with me meeting Sperm Donor.

Since then, we have been rocky. We broke up, yes. We even moved in to different homes — for two months. That’s it.

In the 12 years Joanne and I have been “together,” we have lived apart for two months. That’s it. Even when we have “broken up,” we have yet to split the home and go our separate ways.

If I’m honest with myself, I don’t want that, either. Joanne and I have so many plans together, plans that I still want to see come to life, and I can’t imagine doing any of that without her next to me.

So, What About The Boys?

I also blogged about Joanne’s feelings about raising the boys. That post is called Single Mom of Twins.

The situation I spoke about there lasted months. But, the whole time, Joanne was helpful though stand-off-ish. She was trying to figure out her place, and the brief moment I allowed Sperm Donor in the boys’ lives didn’t help her position on parenting them with them.


Ultimately, what it took for Joanne is time. Nothing more, nothing less. Because she has never denied her love for them, and the fact that she was my partner in pregnancy, just made her decision that much more difficult. And she used to say things like “if we go our own ways, I’ll take the boys when I take Zadey.” She could never really picture her life without them in it.

She is parenting the boys. She is their Mama, and if she hadn’t already decided that, they have done it for her. She’s in a good place about it, too, to my surprise. I can now say something like “Oliver has his [insert feature of Sperm Donor]” and it doesn’t phase her a bit, anymore. I can talk about my feelings about him — good, bad, or ugly — and it doesn’t change her feelings, upset her, or send her inward.

At this point, parenting the boys together is as natural as parenting Zadey together. And, neither of these parenting situations will change.

And that’s that.

It’s been a rocky couple of years for Joanne and I. And I’m over it. When my world crumbles down, when I feel as though everyone treats me wrong, when I feel like I’m alone, I always have Joanne next to me. And for the all the things we have been through, to walk away from that is nothing short of stupid. Not just for me, but my kids, too.

1 Comment

  1. says

    I truly believe exactly what you said “somethings just have to fall apart before they can fall together”. I think sometimes you need to have those rocky times in relationships to make you realize that you need and want each other. I have been wondering how things are going and briefly asked, but I also know that when you are ready you will talk. I know things have been better and I truly think that sometimes you need just each other and no opinions or thoughts of others to sit and figure things out. I think there is hurt, but like you said, there is forgiveness. I think things are surely looking on the up swing, and whatever makes you as a family happy is what is important. And even through Joanne’s struggles, I truly believe that you were always a family. She’d been through too much with the pregnancy to have no ties to the boys, although I can imagine that probably brought up a lot of conflicting feelings. None of that really matters though, what matters is the happiness within in it all.

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