The Regretting Parenthood Trend

regretting-parenthood-trend

Parenting is hard, I get that, I understand it, and I embrace it. But, there’s a trend popping up between news articles and blogs. The trend seems to be venting about regrets of parenthood.

And, I’m infuriated with this idea; and even more sad for the children that are at the receiving end.

Okay, I’m not going to sit here and say that parenting is always peaches and cream. No. It’s difficult. It’s hard work. It’s challenging. It’s frustrating.

On the other hand, it’s rewarding. It’s fun. It’s truly an adventure. It’s incredible. It’s amazing.

And… it’s not for everyone.

Here’s the thing. There really is enough out there for people to get an idea of what parenthood is all about before they enter in to it. AND, it’s a CHOICE. A choice that once made, you have to give 150% to. But, to go around blogging about not being excited to have twins, or regretting motherhood, that’s just really not okay with me.

So, as I recently (as in the last couple of days) came across the articles I have linked above, I decided I wanted to talk about them. And because the articles are so vastly different in complaints, I’ll tackle them separately. Please, feel free to share your thoughts.

My Wife Is Expecting Twins & I’m Not Happy About It

If you have not read this article on Huffington Post, that came from Babble, you really should.

This dad explains what they went through to become pregnant, including three or four IUI attempts and then an IVF attempt where they became pregnant on the first try. During the IVF try, she received 2 embryos, and low and behold… TWINS!

He goes on to explain that they already have a son (who he identifies as “wonderful”), but they live in a one bedroom apartment.

Okay. SERIOUSLY! Who goes about trying to have a second child while still living in a one bedroom apartment with THREE people? Furthermore, with IVF, there is a huge chance of multiples, wasn’t this considered before trying to get pregnant? Who doesn’t think about these things.

But then there’s the icing on the cake.

My wife and I even both privately admitted that we don’t like the new children, which is of course insane.

Insane does not begin to even identify what hating unborn children is.

And I’m left thinking… why is this couple even parents?

I have walked a mile in the shoes of the woman wanting to be a mother, and then reading a story like this I think “why can idiots like this have a baby, but those desperate to become mothers cannot?” WHY?!?

As a twin mom, you know this goes a step further to really rub me the wrong way. Having twins is amazing. It’s truly a blessing. And this comes from someone who did not even consider that having twins were a possibility, and certainly did not try for it. When I look at them, I cannot imagine hating them, ever. More so, I certainly could not bring myself to write an article stating that I hate them. No way. Not happening. From the moment I learned it’s twins, I never once hated the idea. Scare the shit out of me? Absolutely. But, hate? NEVER.

The Mommy’s Curse

There are many blogs that write about the “horrors” of being a mom. I will admit freely, that some of the things they write about I think “how did that ever happen?” or wonder what they heck they are doing with their kids. But, see, the thing is, while I may laugh I don’t actually get it. People write about some crazy things their kids are doing and how stressful it is and I’m over here like “hey, my kid built a fort in the living room and now blankets have exploded all over the place.”

My house is not always clean. Somehow the kitchen is dirty 10 minutes after it’s been scrubbed down, and daily I feel the need to mop my floors but I don’t always get a chance to do it. With crawling boys, the floor needs vacuumed every single day, but I again, don’t always have time to do it.

Moments of feeling like I’m going to melt down are really few and far between. I struggle, daily, with getting the boys to go to sleep. Especially for the night. And when I’m doing it alone, it really is frustrating. Somehow, I seem to think that these women have this “hate” or “dislike” for their children because they don’t get enough breaks or someone helping. My job, with my kids, is 1,000 times easier when Joanne is home. And every couple of MONTHS, I look her and say “I need a moment to myself.” And without hesitation, I grab my car keys (and sometimes my laptop) and take off to Starbucks for a few hours. In just those few hours, I can come back feeling like a whole new mom.

Again, I get that it is frustrating.

But in this article, it seems to have a focus on the blog Scary Mommy in which women are quoted…

I spent most of yesterday’s car ride fantasizing about pulling the car over, kicking my two fighting kids out, and peeling the hell out of there while blasting some music and flipping them off.

REALLY?

How about this one…

In the shopping center today, I nearly dropped my 6-year-old off at the lost-children sign and pretended that he wasn’t mine. I know how bad that sounds, but his attitude was THAT BAD. And I am THAT TIRED.

To this I say, quit taking to the Internet, seek someone to talk to, and get a damn break. Having these thoughts about my kids would scare me for my own mental state. And, if someone I knew told me they were having these thoughts, I’d insist they bring their kids to me immediately and go get a break. But, talk about them, on the Internet, like it’s okay? Yeah, I just don’t think that it is.

Taking a step further… Here’s a tweet, from today.

scary-mommy-tweet

Yes, I follow Scary Mommy, but again because I think it’s interesting that these women complain so much.

You know, I have taken hundreds of pictures of Zadey where she is not smiling, and would really rather not have me taking her picture. But I would still show it off because I see something beautiful about my child, even with a scowl. Why do we accept this kind of parenting, and feelings of parenting as the norm?

What do you think?

Are there too many mom bitch blogs? Is it acceptable for people to be sharing these thoughts, and have us treat it like the norm? Is it the norm and I am in a whole other category? What, exactly, am I missing here?

11 Comments

  1. says

    As a woman who tired EVERYTHING in her power to have just ONE child, including a failed adoption and multiple attempts at IVF with a gestational carrier, I can’t even begin to tell you how reading this makes me feel.

    Do these people even consider what parenthood entails before jumping headlong into it or do they just go into it completely clueless because that’s what they’re supposed to do? Y’know, “I’m SUPPOSED to get married and I’m SUPPOSED to pop out my 2.5 kids”.

    I can’t even fathom the idea of hating my unborn child(ren), let alone celebrate in it with my spouse! And what kind of “mother” would be so proud of her disdain for her own children that she would be comfortable publicly expressing it?? Scary Mommy, indeed!

    These people need more help than any forum can offer, and, for their precious childrens’ sake, I sincerely hope they receive it!

    To the parents who hate their unborn twins, I will gladly take that burden from you if you’d like to give them up for adoption. And, whether it be me or someone else, I very sincerely hope you give that option some very serious consideration before you bring them home!

    • says

      You know, I couldn’t agree with you more. And, I can almost deal with bitching about the down sides of parenting. Because, truthfully, there are downsides. But you stop focusing on that when you make the decision to parent.

      As far as the twin article, oh, you know that gets to me! It hits really close to home since I have twins. Making the statement that you hate your unborn children, well, that’s flat our unforgivable. I agree, they should seek adoption before bringing those beautiful babies home from the hospital. Sad. Very, very sad.

  2. says

    I think there is a huge difference between someone who says “I wish I didn’t have my children” and someone joking about dropping the kids off because they want a few minutes of quiet. I’ve joked about similar things – joke about my spouse the same way. But, I can assure you I don’t ‘need help’ and my family, in reality, gets all of my time and love.

    • says

      That’s a very interesting perspective, Kendra. I suppose I can see a joking side to making a comment about dropping children off, but it’s not something I would say as a joke, nor something I would take someone else saying, as a joke. But, again, I see the possibility in it. And, I do agree that there is a difference in the comments.

      I do certainly see though, that there is a trend in the way we parent vs frustration with our children, and that directly correlates to the manner in which we became parents (planned vs not), how we view parenting, and the help we get.

      Thanks for the comment, and the change in perspective.

    • Bobbie says

      Okay, so I do have to agree here. I love my children with everything in my body. I have went through some of the most horrific pregnancies including infertility, IUI, miscarriage, a preemie and a miscarriage of a twin (which resulted in one full term live baby instead of 2). I vomited for ALL months/weeks/days of my pregnancies. I vomited and I rub my belly. Jokingly I’d say things like “After all this you better at least let me sleep at night” or “I see you are stubborn like your daddy”. I never ment ill will when I made those comments and I am sarcastic by nature so it wasn’t something people were alarmed at. They laughed with me. I didn’t public share that, I didn’t write a blog post about how upset I was about infertility or having to vomit daily during my pregnancies. Never. I knew each baby was a blessing that I was given. I was strong enough to handle it. If I wasn’t, despite my battles to get pregnant, it wouldn’t have happened.

      Still there are times were I just need a time out. My spouse understands and when he needs his time outs, I stand in. There are times when we are pushed to our limits as parents. There are times we need a break away. That doesn’t make anyone a bad parent. I’ve called my mom or my cousin and asked for them to take the kids so I can have a day to do things alone (most common in the summer since they are in school all day during school months). Parenting can have its trials and it can be hard. I don’t think there is a parent I know that hasn’t said “I want to pull my hair out”, but that doesn’t make them a bad parent. I do not for a SECOND think that post was in that nature!

      I love parenting. It’s a challenge, but I love a challenge! It’s unpredictable, which is a little harder for me because I am a plan by plan kinda person, but I adjust. There are so many rewarding things that comes with parenting. When I read these types of articles it makes me truly SAD that these people HAVE children. Incredibly sad! Having gone through all I did to have my 2 blessings, I cannot understand why someone would go to these lengths and then be upset. One of the very first things they ask when you begin ANY infertility treatment is “Do you understand the risk of multiples with this procedure?”. If you can’t prepare yourself at that point, then why would you proceed. It doesn’t seem to me that they were prepared for the first one (1 bedroom place) let alone adding to the broad.

  3. says

    Oh my. My kids are not perfect and I know that but in all honesty, I have never thought about my kids this way. Yes they have the attitude and sometimes it makes me breathe deep a couple of times but of course, that’s whats expected of them–they’re kids! I love my kids and I won’t do or even think about ways that might hurt them or put them in trouble.

  4. says

    I think sometimes itis nice to have someone voice what you are thinking, as long as your aren’t always thinking it. I know I don’t want to be the only one that says my kids drive me nuts, so itis good to know others feel the same way. I just hope it isn’t permanent.

  5. says

    Honestly it’s upsetting the way some people talk about parenthood and their children. More upsetting when they become famous for it. We all have gripes but they’re nothing when compared to the joys. I wonder why some people had kids only to complain

  6. says

    I am thankful for my daughter each and everyday. Granted, there are moments when she drives me batty, but some people just need to suck it up and stop bitching & whining… I think they want to be the babies and are jealous.

  7. says

    This is a really interesting post, Katy! Thanks for pointing me to these two articles, both of which I’ve since read, because they definitely made me think! I hope that my blog walks the balance of being honest that motherhood is a wild ride but also a tremendous joy. Best to you! And thanks for the FB like!

  8. Megan says

    I think that many people have kids because it was what they were “supposed” to do. You grow up, get married and have kids. Kids are cute, you get to pass on your genes and live vicariously through them. The alternative (not having children) either doesn’t occur to them, or is beaten out of them by societal expectation/family pressure, etc.

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